Doubt
“So you’re meeting your husband today?” Lila asks, sitting on my bed. I turn to look at her before looking back to the mirror. “I didn’t know.” I smile into the mirror, turning my face to check out my reflection.
“Yes, I’m pretty excited about it.” I answer before I let out a sigh as I shift my position, something about this dress doesn’t seem right. It’s too girlish; too young. I want him to see me and imagine his future, not see someone he could be in school with. “I just found out this morning that my parents gave the approval for us to marry.”
“Do you want to get married?” She asks in a cautious whisper, as if I needed to hide from my parents. I narrow my eyes at her and she lifts her hands in surrender. “It’s just, you don’t know the guy at all! If you’re being forced into this, you can tell me. You know that right?”
“It’s not forced, it’s arranged,” I say, slipping out of my shoes and into heels, much better. “I don’t know him yet, but I know what he’ll be like. I know that he already likes me. Who could pick a better person for me than the people who have already loved me my entire life?”
“You,” she answers immediately, “You could find someone to love.”
Love. I imagine all the movies with lovers running through towns and airports. I think of all the screaming on TV shows with couples wanting different things out of life. I remember my friends breaking down into tears over their parents’ marriages.
“Love is scary.” I admit. “The idea that you could date someone for years without knowing if they want to marry or have children, or the idea that you could be with someone for so long only for them to fall in love with someone else-and that that would be seen as a good reason to leave you.”
“It’s worth it though,” Lila insists, but I know she’s wrong.
“It’s doubtful. It’s a gamble. I don’t want to gamble with my happiness or my future. My parents found someone who wants what I want out of life. Someone who I already know I can grow to love. Someone I can depend on to raise a family with, grow in my religion with, and to live besides in all walks of life. We’ll meet over dinner, and if we like each other then we talk about marriage. It’s not like I’m getting married today.”
“But don’t you want to meet someone and have that spark?” she says, but it’s less accusatory and more curious, “to look into their eyes and imagine forever because you can’t imagine a day without them.”
“Until he reveals all he wants is sex.” I retort with a smile.
“You don’t know that,” She laughs “but probably.”
“If we do get married,” I say, turning to face her, “we’ll fall in love over time, but even if we don’t we will always have each other. In either case, I have no doubt he’ll be my forever. Isn’t that great?”
“I guess so,” she says, shrugging. “I don’t get it, but I guess I don’t have to. I just want you to be happy.”
“I know. I am. Thank you for being concerned. Now, come help me finish getting ready.”